I always pride myself on having an honest blog. I am who I am and try not to waver from that on this blog. That is why, when things really just got too hard, I stopped blogging. I couldn’t be honest, at least not completely. Oh, and I was broken. Literally, physically, emotionally and mentally.
So, if you are still here…if you are still reading…park it, because this is going to be a long post. But when it is all over, I know I will feel better and I know I’ll be ready to blog again. It has taken over a full year, but I am finally finding my way back to me. A better me. Which makes everything I went through, worth it. I wouldn’t want to go through it again, ever, but I can at least take comfort in knowing I have come out on the other side and I am okay. Better than okay.
So you know the basics if you were a reader in the past…broken foot, broken heart, crazy roommate, etc…etc…ETC!
But what you may not know is this…I was jealous. And generally speaking, I am not a jealous person. But I was raging with jealousy. That is the dead ugly truth. Every blog post I read was about someone running, getting engaged or married, having a baby, losing weight, finishing a race and generally loving life. Every damn post was so damn happy. And I was so damn sad. Angry, sad and seriously jealous. I wanted to be running, getting engaged, losing weight and loving life. (Notice, I did not say I wanted a baby!!!) I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t open my reader to all the happiness. In some odd way, it only made me more sad and more angry. Like everyone in the world was happy except for me.
Here was problem #1…I didn’t even know who “me” was anymore. I was 30 years old and a lost little girl. I had to give up a life I planned and find myself again. I had to admit that I was the only one in a relationship working on said relationship. I had to swallow the most bitter pill of all: I loved someone who didn’t love me. It is so easy when you are in a relationship to only see what you want to see. To pretend the bad things aren’t there or that it will get better. And damn, let me tell you…when it came to R2, I was wearing the rosiest of rose-colored glasses ever. And I wish I could say that it all became clear to me after we broke up…but it didn’t. And because of that, I spend the next 5 months or so holding onto something that wasn’t there. Something that was never there. The break-up, the break, the separation…everything was dramatic, difficult and painful. And look, this is a not a public forum for me to bash him and I won’t do that. But I will say this…it was not all sunshine and flowers and the damage my relationship with him did to me is going to take years to overcome. I have been in therapy for months. There was a time when I never would have admitted that publicly. I didn’t think I ”needed” help. Well, turns out, this help was the best gift I could have given myself. I have learned so much. Of course these are lessons I wish I had learned before going through so much pain, but at least I have these lessons in my pocket now. I’ll never be as blind as I once was. With that said…as much as I blame him…I also blame myself. No one forced me to put with it all. No one forced me to keep going back when I knew I would only get hurt. And trust me, forgiving him was much easier than forgiving myself. Much.
Problem #2 was that my release for stress is to work out. Broken foot=no working out. I was stuck with my pain and had no way to deal with it. And then, when I could run again, I just didn’t want to do it. I was too far gone. The hole was dug too deep. And in the midst of all of this, I was moving out of my condo with my psycho roommate and looking for a place to live. Thankfully, I was able to stay with my aunt until I found a house. But I had to find a house. It was all I could do to get out of bed. I struggled to get through each day; work was actually comforting because at least I knew my mind would be busy.
Problem #3 was that even when good things happened, I couldn’t actually be happy. I mean, I was happy, but I couldn’t celebrate it because everything was so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness and sadness. Everything was a reminder that I was alone. It took everything I had in me to get ready for a night out. I would be exhausted before I even arrived. Even the biggest and best thing to happen to me, buying a house, served as a reminder that I was doing it alone. I just couldn’t get out of the damn black hole.
Then something happened.
I started solving my problems.
I started letting go of the shit that made me sad, so that I could be happy.
First up, R2. He had to go. He was inhibiting my ability to be happy and I was letting him. The process of letting go was not easy; even though he didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t let me go easily either. (Let’s hear for making difficult situations more difficult!) From the time I first walked away and tried to cut him off, until we finally stopped communicating on a regular basis was six months. He still wanted to be friends. My argument was that he wasn’t someone I wanted to be friends with or have in my life. But I kept giving him chances to make it up to me, apologize…anything. I wanted the time I had spent with him to be validated. But it was just a sick cycle. I would cut him off, he would fight me on it, we would fight, we would make up, and repeat. And repeat. EXHAUSTING! Oh, and ridiculously unfair. It wasn’t until a few months ago, that we were able to talk openly. He finally apologized (sincerely) and I was able to really let him go. Since then, no communication and none intended in the future either.
It is a funny thing when someone stops taking up so much space in your head. I started having space again for other things. I started remembering how much I loved to swim and run. I ran the Philly Half-Marathon in November. I barely trained and the race was brutal, but I did it. And at some point, I knew I would run another race. And another. I started remembering how much I really loved be with my friends. Taking road trips. I appreciated my house and saw it from a completely different point of view…I was doing something on my own, that many people couldn’t do with two people. Things in general just because more clean. I am not always happy; this is a major work in progress. Sometimes…ok, quite often, I still feel lonely. But I am no longer feeling alone. And for the first time in a very long time, the good days are outweighing the bad days.
I have a job I love. I have an amazing family. My friends are awesome. I own my own home. I have four races planned for this year.
I am back.