Day 10- Someone you have to let go of or wish you didn’t know
(Going with the latter here, since said person has been let go of.)
In the time we were together, R2 and I made amazing memories. We laughed a lot and fought a little. We could make anything fun!
Together, R2 and I spent overnights in Philly, traveled to Lancaster for his birthday and Baltimore for mine. We made the towns of Princeton and New Hope our own, traveling in often for breakfasts, dinners, festivals, ice cream, coffee, drinks and just nights walking around. We spent countless hours staying up way past our bedtimes talking and laughing. We very rarely went more than a day or two without seeing each other and for the time we were together we communicated every single day. He was there for my 30th birthday and my marathon…two of the biggest moments of not just that year, but in my life. We shares smiles, laughs and tears. Talked about our dreams and our fears. At the end of the day, we built a friendship that is unlike many I have ever had.
That all sounded really good, right? Yeah, it felt good when I was telling myself how wonderful we were, too.
But we weren’t.
Of course, all those things happened. We went on those trips, had fabulous times, talked about everything under the sun and laughed a lot. But underneath it all was the one undeniable truth I didn’t want to admit to myself. R2 didn’t love me. And he would never love me. And everything we did and everything we “built” were just attempts for me to get him to love me. And I tried everything. When you are the one who loves more (or in this case loves at all without being loved at all) you will fight to the ends of the earth just for some justification that your efforts were worth it. This piece from Thought Catalog sums up what I am trying to say better than I ever could.
I look back on every single relationship I ever had and I wouldn’t take a single one back. Each relationship brought its own set of memories, but more importantly, each one taught me lessons I’ll never forget. Some of them were good relationships and some of them were not so good relationships. But they were all worth it in the end. Until R2. I can say with a sound mind and whole heart that if I could do it all over again, I would have chosen to never know R2. There were a lot of good times and hardly any fights…but in our entire time together R2 never said I was pretty or beautiful. (Actually, he did once, but it came after a melt down I had about him not saying it. Therefore, I don’t count it.) He never told me the things you want to hear when you care about someone. He never appreciated the effort I put into small things, like stopping on the way to his house to pick up his favorite dessert. And he never did those small things for me. In fact, the ONE and only time he said he had a surprise for me…he actually brought home HIS favorite dessert. True story.
Not only was there was no love, but for a long time I questioned if he even liked me. But of course, he liked me. He liked having someone around who loved him. He liked having someone who did those small things for him. He liked having someone to hang out with, talk to, go on trips with and laugh with all the time. And he REALLY liked having someone have sex with on the regular. But, the truth is…and this took a LONG time and months of therapy to face… it didn’t need to be me. I could have been anyone. I didn’t matter. And that makes no part of him worth having ever been a part of my life. When I think of the times he told me that I would never find someone like him again, I seriously laugh out loud. Why would I WANT to?
I have said before in this post- “The concept of living a life with no regrets is great in theory, but it’s also unrealistic. I do have regrets. And instead of pretending they don’t exist, I have learned to use them as tools to live better.” And that is what I am doing. I cannot change that I knew R2 or that he was a part of my life. I accept what I went through and can only hope I will never allow myself to be treated that way again in the future. And for me, for now, that has to be enough.
The hardest part isn’t forgiving him for putting me through it…that has been done. He put me through the ringer and even tried to convince me that I was crazy for being hurt about anything. But he truly is forgiven. The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated in such a way. To have done what I did to myself for so long. That has been the hardest part.
(I thought long and hard about posting this. The R2 period in my life is over and I have successfully moved on with my life. At first writing it seemed like a step back. but it isn’t. It wasn’t even hard to write because it is what it is…the challenge is called Truth, and well…this is the truth!)