30 Days of Truth- Day 11 & Day 12

These two are enough alike, and short enough, that I am putting them in the same post.  And I am a bit thankful they are lighter than the past few.  Also, if you are wondering…my foot is healing and hopefully by next week I will have an official update

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

When people first see me, I usually get complimented on my eyes and my hair.  My eyes are so blue and are known to change their hues depending on my mood or what I am wearing.  I also have really long eyelashes.  So long in fact, that I don’t wear lengthening mascara, ever.  I have always had long hair (with exception to a few bad hair cuts I would rather forget) and even though it is thin, I have a lot of it and people usually note how much they love it.

Probably not the best examples, but they’ll do!

When people get to know me they tend to compliment me on my independence, loyalty and my ability to laugh at myself.  I have always had a sense of independence, instilled in me from an early age.  Also, I am fiercely loyal.

Day 12: Something people never seem to compliment you on.

I don’t know if I can say “never” since I am sure at one time or another someone has…but I do not get complimented very often I’ll say on is my style.  That is probably because I don’t really have any.  I mean, I think I dress well, but I suck at accessorizing and don’t care about name brands.  I dress for the purpose of getting dressed.  I own a few cute things but often I just want to be comfortable.

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself

Day 2- Something you love about yourself

Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do in your life

Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living

Day 8- Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like shit

Day 9- Someone you didn’t want to let go of, but just drifted

Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

30 Days Of Truth- Day 10

Day 10- Someone you have to let go of or wish you didn’t know

(Going with the latter here, since said person has been let go of.)

In the time we were together, R2 and I made amazing memories.  We laughed a lot and fought a little.  We could make anything fun!  

Together, R2 and I spent overnights in Philly, traveled to Lancaster for his birthday and Baltimore for mine.  We made the towns of Princeton and New Hope our own, traveling in often for breakfasts, dinners, festivals, ice cream, coffee, drinks and just nights walking around.  We spent countless hours staying up way past our bedtimes talking and laughing.   We very rarely went more than a day or two without seeing each other and for the time we were together we communicated every single day.  He was there for my 30th birthday and my marathon…two of the biggest moments of not just that year, but in my life.  We shares smiles, laughs and tears.  Talked about our dreams and our fears.  At the end of the day, we built a friendship that is unlike many I have ever had.

That all sounded really good, right?  Yeah, it felt good when I was telling myself how wonderful we were, too.

But we weren’t.

Of course, all those things happened.  We went on those trips, had fabulous times, talked about everything under the sun and laughed a lot.  But underneath it all was the one undeniable truth I didn’t want to admit to myself.  R2 didn’t love me.  And he would never love me.  And everything we did and everything we “built” were just attempts for me to get him to love me.  And I tried everything.  When you are the one who loves more (or in this case loves at all without being loved at all) you will fight to the ends of the earth just for some justification that your efforts were worth it.  This piece from Thought Catalog sums up what I am trying to say better than I ever could.

I look back on every single relationship I ever had and I wouldn’t take a single one back.  Each relationship brought its own set of memories, but more importantly, each one taught me lessons I’ll never forget.  Some of them were good relationships and some of them were not so good relationships.  But they were all worth it in the end.  Until R2.  I can say with a sound mind and whole heart that if I could do it all over again, I would have chosen to never know R2.  There were a lot of good times and hardly any fights…but in our entire time together R2 never said I was pretty or beautiful. (Actually, he did once, but it came after a melt down I had about him not saying it. Therefore, I don’t count it.)   He never told me the things you want to hear when you care about someone.   He never appreciated the effort I put into small things, like stopping on the way to his house to pick up his favorite dessert.  And he never did those small things for me.  In fact, the ONE and only time he said he had a surprise for me…he actually brought home HIS favorite dessert.  True story.

Not only was there was no love, but for a long time I questioned if he even liked me.  But of course, he liked me.  He liked having someone around who loved him.  He liked having someone who did those small things for him.  He liked having someone to hang out with, talk to, go on trips with and laugh with all the time.  And he REALLY liked having someone have sex with on the regular.  But, the truth is…and this took a LONG time and months of therapy to face… it didn’t need to be me.  I could have been anyone.  I didn’t matter.  And that makes no part of him worth having ever been a part of my life.  When I think of the times he told me that I would never find someone like him again, I seriously laugh out loud.  Why would I WANT to?

I have said before in this post- “The concept of living a life with no regrets is great in theory, but it’s also unrealistic.  I do have regrets.  And instead of pretending they don’t exist, I have learned to use them as tools to live better.”  And that is what I am doing.  I cannot change that I knew R2 or that he was a part of my life.  I accept what I went through and can only hope I will never allow myself to be treated that way again in the future.   And for me, for now, that has to be enough.

The hardest part isn’t forgiving him for putting me through it…that has been done. He put me through the ringer and even tried to convince me that I was crazy for being hurt about anything.   But he truly is forgiven.  The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated in such a way.  To have done what I did to myself for so long.  That has been the hardest part.

(I thought long and hard about posting this.  The R2 period in my life is over and I have successfully moved on with my life. At first writing it seemed like a step back.  but it isn’t.  It wasn’t even hard to write because it is what it is…the challenge is called Truth, and well…this is the truth!)

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself

Day 2- Something you love about yourself

Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for

Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do in your life

Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living

Day 8- Someone who has made your life hell or treated you like shit

Day 9- Someone you didn’t want to let go of, but just drifted

30 Days Of Truth- Day 8

Day 8- Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

First of all, if I listed everyone that ever treated me like shit I would be here until tomorrow.  And that would just cover high school.

So let’s refocus.  The one person who has made my life hell.  Got that covered.

When I was fourteen, I met my first “real” boyfriend.  (He is not the person, that would give him WAY too much credit he doesn’t deserve!)  He and I dated on and off for two years.  The only problem with our relationship is that he was simultaneously having an on and off relationship with another girl.  Stephanie.  And Stephanie made it her teenage mission to make my life hell.  And for a long time she succeeded.  How did she succeed you may be wondering?  Oh…you know, mostly with hundreds of prank calls a night and that isn’t even an exaggeration.   The things she would say to me…ugh.  They still gross me out.  On really good days she would call from a few different phones and have her friends call me too.  We both hung out at the local skating rink and she made it a goal to threaten me three or four times a night.  It all culminated in the park in my town.  One night, after having enough of her bullshit, I agreed to meet her.  I knew what was ahead…and I was right…she kicked my ass.  It hurt.  A lot.  Physically of course but also emotionally.  She had invited everyone in the tri-state area and my ego was crushed right along with my lip and nose.  But I wanted it to end, and I honestly thought if I agreed to meet her and let her take a few punches, it would end.  And for a while, the stalking (and that is exactly what it was) continued.  But finally, my family got the cops involved.  After a particularly good day of prank calling, we had just plain had it.  The phone literally never stopped ringing.  And I am talking every single day for over eighteen months.  So we called a friend of ours who was a cop in town.  And he had her arrested for harassment.  In the end, we didn’t press charges.  But she had to agree to leave me alone.  Every now and then she would get her digs in but for the most part it did finally end.  And even better, I ended it with my douchebag boyfriend.

I think the reason she sticks out in my head, even 15 years later, is because it really screwed with me emotionally.  At one time, she had been my friend and it really dictated how I treated friends for a while…and because I didn’t trust anyone, I didn’t make a lot of friends.  It made for a tough four years in high school.  But as I got older, it affected how I treated friends in a positive way.  I began to trust people and because of that I met the best friends I could have asked for; many of them I am still close with today.  And I learned that with real friends, really great things happen.  As for the asshole boyfriend, well…if anything, I learned what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship.  And for that, I feel almost grateful.  At least I got the worst relationship of my life out of the way first!

In the end, the lesson I learned is to really believe in Karma.  Seriously, she dropped out of high school and got all messed up with bad boys and drugs.  She has struggled as a single mom who drinks and parties way too much, doesn’t work and doesn’t have much to show for her life.  And I am pretty sure she never actually grew up.  We squashed our problems as adults, because we did have mutual friends and we did both eventually get over everything.  I don’t wish any bad on her (she does enough to herself) and I have forgiven her but I will never forget what she did to me and how it made me feel.  It is probably why I am so against bullying.  I was lucky to have a great family support system, but some kids don’t.  And there will always be Stephanie’s lurking around.  I sure hope no one ever treats her kid the way she treated me.

Day 1 –> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 –> Something you love about yourself

Day 3 –> Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 –> Something you have to forgive someone else for

Day 5 –> Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 –> Something you hope you never have to do in your life

Day 7 –>Someone who has made your life worth living

30 Days Of Truth- Day 7

Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living

I gave this a lot of thought- I mean, how do I even begin to go about reducing my entire life to only one relationship?  The past almost 30 years have been full of relationships; so many people have entered (and some exited) my life.  Some good and some bad…but they were all here.  Most still are here, while a few aren’t..  Each one of them, has in some way, made my life worth living.

But life itself is more complicated than that. 

So here is the real truth: I live for me.  At the end of the day, it is me alone with me.  I have to answer to myself and the decisions I make to live my life.  Therefore, I make my life worth living.

How do you make your life worth living?

Day 1 –> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 –> Something you love about yourself

Day 3 –> Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 –> Something you have to forgive someone else for

Day 5 –> Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 –> Something you hope you never have to do in your life

30 Days Of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do in your life.

This took less than a second for me to assess.  While I do not even have children of my own yet, my biggest fear in life, is losing them.  I cannot on any level, comprehend for one second, what they might feel like or how I would ever deal.

When my friend died, I remember vividly watching his mother scream and reach for his coffin as they lowered him into the ground.  That image is forever imprinted in my mind.  Over the years since his death, his mom has become a good friend of mine.  We have talked for hours on end about Jimmy; she has shared with me much of her grief.  For all the sadness I have felt over the years…as much as it hurt me to the core to lose my friend…I cannot on any level comprehend the hurt in her heart.

Almost 11 years have passed since Jimmy died.  Although not overly religious, Karen will often say it is her faith that got her through.  I don’t know what would get me through.  I’m not sure I have faith like that.  I’m not sure what I have, but I do know I hope I am never forced to come to grips with it.  I don’t want to find out if I can be THAT strong.  Ever.

Day 1 –> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 –> Something you love about yourself

Day 3 –> Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 –> Something you have to forgive someone else for

Day 5 –> Something you hope to do in your life

30 Days Of Truth- Day 5

Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life

I have been fortunate enough to experience a lot so far in my life.  I have earned, afforded myself and been given many opportunities. 

As a kid I took swimming lessons, did gymnastics and karate.  I started figure skating at age 4.  I began softball at age 5.  If there was something I wanted to try, my parents allowed me to go for it!  Some activities were short lived (karate) and others lasted a lifetime (softball) but they all began as something I wanted to try…or hoped to do. 

Before I was 18, I traveled to Italy and England.  I had my naval pierced, got a tattoo and went skydiving within a few months of graduating high school.  I built a house for Habitat in Kentucky and spent a few months living in Florida.  By age 25, I had moved out on my own and in the last few years I have traveled to Aruba, Florida time three, Colorado and various other places. 

I have lived a full and exciting life.  However, I am not even yet 30.  I truly believe the best years, are the ones ahead of me!  There are all kinds of things I still want to do with my life.  I want to get married, be a good wife and own a nice house.  I want to be a really good mom.  I want to afford my own children the same great opportunities my parents gave me.  I want to take great vacations and experience as many adventures as possible!

I hope to accomplish much more in the years I have on this Earth…I have a bucket list that is honestly quite long.  But at the end of day, all I really hope to be is happy.  It took me a long time to appreciate all of the things I have done in life- appreciate all I have seen, the places I have been and the life I live.  At the end of the day, whatever I am doing…I just want to live happy.

Day 1 –> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 –> Something you love about yourself

Day 3 –> Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 4 –> Something you have to forgive someone else for

30 Days Of Truth- Day 4

Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for.

The truth is, at this point in my life, I don’t have anyone to forgive. 

I actually forgive pretty easily.  It wasn’t always like that; I used to be a serious grudge holding bitch.  But at some point, I just gave in.  It is simply easier to forgive.  It doesn’t mean what they did is okay or that I will soon forget those acts.  And it certainly doesn’t mean I want them in my life.  And that’s just it actually; it comes down to this- not forgiving people who aren’t a part of my life anymore only seems to hurt myself.  I just don’t have the energy for the anger that not forgiving people causes me. And I am not in a place in my life where I want to use space in my heart for resentment and ill feelings.    

If you think I have something to forgive you for, you can rest assured I already have.

Day 1–> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2–> Something you love about yourself

Day 3–> Something you have to forgive yourself for

30 Days Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for.

The concept of living a life with no regrets is great in theory, but it’s also unrealistic.  I do have regrets.  And instead of pretending they don’t exist, I have learned to use them as tools to live better.

It has taken some time, but I realize now that I have to forgive myself most for not providing myself with a traditional college experience.  I went to community college and did well.  But it just wasn’t for me.  Then I went to hair school.  I excelled and truly did love it- but hated being in the salon environment.  After a few years, I went back to school.  Dean’s list every semester, awards for excellence and accepted in the Dual Program to work on my Masters while still taking classes for my Bachelors.  Then it came crashing down. I’m three credits shy of my degree, that I don’t even know if I will ever use, and in debt to a University that has made every step of my path a difficult one.  It is hard not to think about how it all would have turned out if I had just done it the “normal” way.  But I didn’t- I am here.  And I have to be present here. 

I have to get past the mistakes I made when I was young that still reverberate through my life’s path. I need to remember that I would not have learned the lessons I did or had every experience that has put me where I am now, if it wasn’t for decisions that were once mistakes.

My mistakes are a part of who I am.  I am beginning to realize that regrets aren’t necessarily a bad thing.  My mistakes have taught me priceless lessons I wouldn’t have otherwise learned and have given me an idea of who I do and/or do not want to be.

Mistakes are a part of life.  Regrets happen.  Forgiveness is growth.

Day 1–> Something you hate about yourself

Day 2–> Something you love about yourself

30 Days Of Truth- Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

A few years ago this would have been really tough for me.  I still find it a little tough even though I have come to terms who I am and what I do love about who I am.  I always found it hard to determine what it was about myself I loved, without thinking about what others love about me.  How does one learn to perceive themselves without the perceptions of others getting in the way?

Things I love about myself:

• I am resilient.  I am strong.  I have bounced back from so much in my life.  I am able to self-reflect and learn from my mistakes.
• I have a work ethic that is hard to come by; many employers are missing out on a great person simply because I have yet to earn my degree.  That paper says nothing about who I am as a person.
• I am capable of anything once I put my mind to it.
• I am loyal to a fault.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I like that my friends/family know they can count on me.
• I love to have a good time.  Having fun is fun
• I love that I am unafraid of saying what I think.  I will stick up for myself or others even against the crowd.
• I love that in crisis, I can usually pull myself and others together.
• I will stick to my convictions even if they get me in trouble.  I will never apologize for my morals or beliefs.
• I love that I am willing to face most of my fears but I don’t beat myself up over the ones I am not willing to face.
• I love my sense of humor.  I think my ability to laugh at myself if one of my better traits.
• I love that I am not afraid to get in a car and just drive.  I love that I am okay traveling alone but can travel well with others too.
• I love that, even though I might be a perfectionist, a little bit anal and slightly obsessive-compulsive, I have learned to embrace those things as a part of who I am.
• I love that I was able to easily write this list!

And a few materialistic things:

• I love my blue eyes.
• I love how my butt looks in jeans. 
• I have GREAT hair! 
• I love my scars- they are little reminders of where I have been and experiences I have had.
• I love that I can be girly but prefer to be in jeans and a t-shirt.

What do you love about you?

30 Days Of Truth- Day 1

I liked doing my Truth post so much that I went in search of something else like it and found http://punchitin.wordpress.com/.  Oddly enough, her blog roll includes many of the blogs I read however I had never visited this blog until I found it through google the most amazing tool ever created.  I am all about stealing off other blogs new things so here we have 30 days of truth.  Which is more like 30 weeks of truth since I plan to only post once a week.  Actually, there is no plan outside of the fact that when I feel like it, I will post a Day of Truth.  Cause the truth is, I wanted to post this weeks ago.  I didn’t get to be President of the procrastination club by doing things in a timely manner, that is for sure!

And thus it begins…

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

The truth is, I don’t truly hate anything about myself.  Hate is a strong word.  But I don’t let myself off the hook that easy…there are a few things I dislike:

I dislike my low fuse…I tend to let really little things bother me.  And the fact that they bother me, bothers me.  I cannot stand when I know I have flipped out over something stupid, especially when it is happening and I cannot stop it even if I want to.  This is something I have been working on and will continue to work on throughout 2011.

I dislike my disdain for change…I am a creature of habit.  I like everything a certain way.  I struggle with change.  Change of plans, change of heart…change of any kind. 

I dislike how much pressure I put on myself…I suppose if you read this blog you are already aware of the fact that I pressure myself.  I put such an insane amount of this pressure on myself that I have literally made myself sick over it before. 

I dislike that I am short. You would think after 29 years I would be over it. You would think, since I’ll be short the rest of my life, I would have come to terms with it. Nope. Still dislike the shortness!

I would love it if you all commented a little truth about yourselves…either here, or if you are interested in challenging yourself to the same project.  What do you hate (or dislike) about yourself?