I apologize in advance for the whining pity party I am about to embark on and do not blame you if you hit that little red ‘x’ in the corner right now.
Today I was in a small (read: very small fender bender) accident. Some idiot ran a red light, forcing the car in front of me to slam on their brakes and I just didn’t have a good reaction time and couldn’t find the brake and BAM, I smacked right into them. I know it could be so much worse, I know that…I really do. But you know how all it takes is one thing to set you off the deep end? I think this has been it for me. I know shit happens, I get that…but I would like to the shit to stop happening to me, even if only for a little bit.
I have always been good at putting things in perspective but right now I am struggling. Writing things out always helps me see the bigger picture and even though this blog is primarily about triathlon and running, it has also morphed into a place to document my journey through life in general.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, my problems are trivial…but they are still my problems and they are seriously affecting my quality of life. I sometimes feel like the harder I work, the more I get kicked down. I watch people around me do as little as possible to get by and somehow they do. It is beyond frustrating to feel like every time I take one step forward, I get pushed two back. Work, school and my living situation are such enormous stresses in my life, that small things (that would normally not stress me out) seem like huge set-backs because I already feel so bombarded.
I cannot express in enough words what it is like living below my neighbor. She never stops making noise, ever. She is constantly pacing back and forth…loudly stomping…banging drawers, doors and whatever else she can find that makes noise. This goes on all hours. Seriously, last night she was stomping around until after 5am. This is not uncommon. Usually, it goes on until 2-3am, but you just never know with Gail. She never sleeps and has zero respect for anyone else living here. I went up there last night at 430am and asked her very nicely if she could not make so much noise banging around and ect. and her response was “I have to get my cleaning done”. It was 4:30AM!!!!! I have composed a really good letter and want to send it to my landlord, but in the past when I have expressed my problems to him he doesn’t seem to care nor be inclined to fix them. And all it does to Gail, is piss her off and then it gets worse. This is the same reason I have not followed through with filing police reports in reference to excessive noise. It just pisses her off and makes it worse for me. I have talked to some of my neighbors and two of them have complained to our landlord to no avail as well. My one neighbor has called the police on her after a confrontation and filed a report but now he is moving. I spend each day dreading coming home because I cannot stand dealing with the noise. Furthermore, because Gail thinks this is her building and we all just live in it, she takes up two parking spots out front in the shared parking. And as if that isn’t enough, she is always hogging the shared laundry…she seriously does 3-5 loads a day!! Sometimes, she will just be washing a few towels or something like that. And when she does laundry, cause she is on the third floor, it sounds like this: her door slams….stomping down the steps….laundry door slams. Repeat each time she is up and down. When I moved in, all 5 apt in the building were full. Already, the guy living in the apt next to her (he was here five years) moved out and next week the couple downstairs who has been here four years (they are next to the laundry room- he is the one who has called the cops on her) are moving out. I have been looking, but my lease isn’t up until January and I cannot afford to move without getting my security deposit back. The only time living here is not hell, is when Gail is not home. And that is not often enough. I barely get any sleep and I feel like I am losing my mind.
Because of Gail, I can hardly concentrate on schoolwork. Forget about doing work in my own home. I usually travel to the Barnes and Nobles or Panera so I can work. School is so important to me and this is a really difficult semester. But the stress with school doesn’t end with just this semester. I am supposed to graduate this May, but because I haven’t been successful in passing Math, it might not happen for me. I have to take time to sit down and compose a letter to the heads of some departments and see what I can do about this problem. As far as I am concerned my inability to process math is no different that a reading disability, which they would be empathetic to. Having worked all these years…in and out of school, it would be devastating to not see it through. I honestly don’t know what options there are for me if I cannot graduate. I would definitely lose my place in the dual Masters program and I would be that girl who leaves college with only three credits to go.
If I don’t graduate, I will forever be stuck in the job (or one like it) I have now. I don’t want to be stuck. The idea of doing what I do now for the rest of my life makes me want to throw up. I know that I am very lucky to have a job, especially one that I am tenured in, in this economy and trust me, I don’t take it for granted. I have a decent pay, great benefits and a lot of time off throughout the year. But it isn’t my calling; it isn’t even close. I want to write for magazines, I want to teach college, I want to help people learn to read…I have so many plans that go beyond sitting behind a desk.
It is like everything flows together. It is hard to be strong sometimes. It is hard not to let a fender bender turn itself into something bigger than it is. I am lucky to have the unconditional support of my family and friends and all of you! After writing all this out, I do feel better. It doesn’t make it better, but I do see it now in the perspective in which it belongs. Work and school and my living situations are all big deals right now…but as for the accident, I am lucky no one was hurt, my car is still drivable and I didn’t get a ticket because it was deemed a no fault accident.
Whew…venting feels so good sometimes! I promise no more whining for a while!!