Home » Bad Days » Three Things Tuesday: Pity Party, Table Of One

Three Things Tuesday: Pity Party, Table Of One

I need to vent.

Exercise is my outlet and I barely have that right now and it is making me IN-SANE!  I have been trying to stay positive but it has been six weeks and I am starting to melt down.  There is so much going on in my life, that to have to be so held back in my activity is making me crazy.  Two weeks ago, I cried because I broke two nails and twice this week I cried without even anything actually happening.  For those of you who do not know me…I am not a crier.  And I certainly DO NOT cry over broken nails.  But I did.  I am losing it. 

Most of what is bothering me is the difference between where I was last year in comparison to where I am this year. 

There are Three Things that stand out to me most as far as these differences go:

School-

Then: I was in my sixth semester at RU (first semester as a dual student) taking both undergraduate and graduate courses and had just received notification that I was the recipient of the award from the Arts and Humanities department.  This was a really big deal to me and showed me that my hard work was being noticed.  I carry a 3.65 and I have been on the Dean’s List all but one semester since I started.  I was finally gearing up to graduate in the Spring of 2010 and feeling excited. 

Now: I found out last semester that I am three math credits short of graduating.  The problem is, is that after four tries I am still unable to pass the required class that I need in order to graduate.  I have always been in low math and it seems no matter how hard I try, I cannot pass.  Because of that, I began taking steps to get tested for the learning disability, discalculia.  Wow…what a road that turned out to be.  A lot of meetings and information later, I walked away with pretty much all odds against me.  The state took away the funding for the testing and the process is lengthy.  A friend of mine, who has all the proper credentials, offered to test me but by that time I was just so drained from the process.  Plus, there is always the possibility that they would determine I didn’t have a learning disability.  And that I am just stupid.  All of that combined with the stress of this year led me to take this semester off.  I just didn’t have the energy to care.  And that is so not me. 

Work:

Then: For three seasons I was the softball coach for my middle school.  I absolutely loved it.  I looked forward to it all year and really connected with my girls.  I got the job because they had an opening and no one was willing to do it for small pay.  Look, I would have done it for free, which it basically was when you added up the hours and divided the pay.  The following year, with new contracts came more pay.  And interest in my job as the coach.  But for two more years I held onto it; it was exhausting with practice or games every day and some nights lasting until 7pm or so.  But I loved every second.

Now: Due to some political bullshit stuff I can’t really elaborate on, I was replaced.  I was also crushed.  I found out in the fall but now that the season has started, it is like I am crushed all over again.  Basically, because I am “staff”, teachers have hierarchy over me and since there was a teacher that wanted the job, I got pushed out.  It is so weird not to be a part of the program.  I miss the girls and I miss the game.

Training:

Then: Last March I logged 31 miles running, 123 miles on the bike and 1000 meters in the pool.  I had just begun my first half-marathon training schedule and was only casually training for Triathlon given that my first tri of the season last year wasn’t until July.  I was making great progress, hitting the gym four to five days a week and in great shape.

Now: So far this month I have racked up 3.5 miles on the bike.  I had to bag my March Half-Marathon and I will be bagging my April Half-Marathon as well.  And my May 10-miler will be a walk, not a run.  It is extra depressing because my April half and May 10-miler were the two road races I was most looking forward to this year.  And even though I am back to slowly working out, I can tell I have lost a lot of my fitness.  And I cannot stop eating; I feel like a human garbage disposal and I am for sure putting on the pounds.  Notsomuch how I expected things to be at this point! 

So basically overall, I went from having a really busy schedule to having almost nothing to do.  I am bored.  And I am sad.  And I hate being bored and sad.  I was hoping that my training would fill the void of softball but because I can barely train, all I have is time to think about all the things that don’t seem to be going right for me. 

Hello-Pity Party, table of one.

 

Often people take venting as complaining and I want to be very clear here: I am grateful for my health, my job and my home.  I am in no way trying to gain pity.  Everyone has shit and this is mine.  Holding it all in makes me negative and I don’t want to be a negative person.  I have worked really hard to stay positive but now and then I need to vomit out my anger/frustration!

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26 thoughts on “Three Things Tuesday: Pity Party, Table Of One

  1. It sounds like a lot has changed and I don’t blame you for venting. How frustrating to be so close to graduating! How maddening to have a job you love doing and you lose it for not good reasons. I could see that if you wanted to be done a teacher would replace you but you shouldn’t have been removed. Sorry about how your exercising is going. I know I would be venting too.

  2. Vent away chica – I have been in your shoes, and I can tell you I was one angryyyy little red head. Have you talked to your doc about pool running? That’s about all I could do for a solid month. It WAS a workout once I got a hang of it!

  3. I keep searching for ways to avoid the pity party myself but realized that there are things in my control and things out of my control. Find something in your control and focus on rockin’ it. The sense of accomplishment may jump start your psyche.

  4. I totally understand the need to vent! Just keep on track… slow and steady and eventually you’ll be working out and running again. It’s hard to stay optimistic, but you’ll get there!

  5. Don’t feel bad. You will eventually get math. My wife is tutoring a woman (not a kid; a grown woman) who is trying to get into college but doesn’t even know her multiplication tables…

  6. oh, i feel terrible. it does sound like you’re having a really rough go at it right now. have you considered talking to someone? it’s easy to slip into depression and that can be a vicous cycle. shoot me an email if you want to chat…hang in there. *hugs*

  7. Vent away girl!
    What does your Dr. say on swim training? Channel your efforts to the swim training (if you are allowed?) for Black Bear. If not yet, hang tough you we get there shortly, I know how a determined person you are. And always you can count on your friends….just give a shout out!
    See you at the Rutgers Unite, I’ll be looking for that big smile of yours at the finish line.
    Remember “You Rock”!

  8. Vent when you need. It is good to do when normal outlets are not accessible. A lot has changed in the last year which is always hard. I hope that things start to look up as you up your exercise. Can you swim? Ask your doc because it may be what you need. Hang in there because things *will* get better.

  9. Sorry to hear things haven’t been rolling the way you hope. All I can say is hang in there and stay positive. Dig deep, take control and make thing happen.

    Vent away!

  10. Ugh, I am sorry! Hopefully things will turn around. Sometimes it helps to vent, so I hope you feel a little better now 🙂

    I know what you mean about exercise being your outlet. Not being able to run/workout makes me go crazy too!

  11. Vent as much as you need to. Whenever I can’t workout (because of injury or whatever), I seriously just sit on the floor and rock back and forth like a crazy person. I hope you can gradually get back into working out and have that outlet!

  12. Hi little Jill,
    Hang in there! I promise that things will get better:)

    I also really have issues with math. I had to take three math/algebra classes just to get in my physics class in college. I got As in every single one of them…could I do one of those problems now? Hell no!! I had such a fear of every single one of those classes and spent hours in the lab and at the tutoring center!! I had to do the problems over and over:( You are not stupid!! There are some people who just do not understand math and they are highly intelligent in other areas:) Can you take a logic class as an option?

    Cheer up there girl:) THings will get better! Hugs and love from Minnesota!

  13. Hey what good is having your own blog if you can’t vent when you want to! Vent away.
    Hang in there and stay strong…things will turn around and you’ll be stronger as move forward for going through it all. Feel good wishes coming your way.
    and math sucks!!! That’s just a fact!

  14. Ugh! Go ahead and vent! But, you are strong, too and know that you are the only one that can change it. You will know when the time is right, until then, keep pushing forward and don’t let the things around you that you cannot control, control you. Hugs to you!

  15. Venting is healthy… keep it up! And you have every right to be frustrated, that’s a lot of stuff to deal with! I hate the politics of staff vs. faculty, those types of things are just rotten!

    I completely empathize with you are feeling let down about goal/anticipated races. I’ve been in that spot (and still am a little in some regards) and it gets frustrating. Sometimes it helps to think about my long-term goals, which is to be active long into my life. So these times that seem long are actually short in the grand scheme of life.

    HUGS!

  16. awww, sweety, you don’t need to write any disclaimers…. these are very shitty/tough things to deal with!!!! are you kidding me???? i cant imagine how i’d feel.

    I’m not going to suggest what to do, how to fix it, or tell you how it’ll get better!!!! I’ll just tell you this – YOU ARE SUPER AWESOME!!!! You really inspire me!!! I go to your blog for brightness when I’m in a mopy place 🙂 You deal with everything so excellently that you give me a new perspective on everything. YOU ROCK! Thank you for sharing and thank you for venting. Just shows you are human 🙂

  17. Venting is a good thing! Sometimes you just need to get it all out! I am so sorry about everything that’s been going on. It must be very frustrating for you. I really hope things start to turn around soon for you! 🙂

  18. Sometimes venting is all we can do. Letting it out is much better than holding it in, and you know all your bloggy friends feel your frustration and wish there was something we could do to make you feel better… like getting the teacher who took your softball team a dream job (or something like that) clear across the country. That way, you could have your team back and HER job!
    You’ll get back to your training and you’ll be surprised at how fast your fitness level comes back! You’re strong and determined, and you’ll be back stronger than ever! Until then, do whatever makes you feel good!

  19. I totally understand you and don’t see this as complaining. Look how your world has turned upside down compared to last year. I can imagine that this depresses you. It would depress me too.

    I hope that everything turns around for you in a good way, starting today!

  20. Hi, Jill
    Sounds like you’ve been through a lot of change BESIDES the fact you are sidelined. That’s hard. Venting is good and we all understand that.

    Just remember you are not alone. I just “met” you and can totally relate to how you feel. You WILL get through this. Hang in there:)

  21. Vent away! I would be feeling the same way. You know what though? Maybe you can think about how much better things will be next year, or even next month! That sounds cheesy, and I know it is hard to think like that when everything is so sucky, but it will get better! Especially your hip!

  22. I wish I could help you with your math. I minored in it. (Doesn’t mean I could actually be much help but it’d be cool to try to help you ‘get it’)

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