I have been struggling to come up with the right way to express how I have been feeling lately and when it came time to put my goals list together I struggled even more. It took me almost the whole month of December to figure out why.
And here it is…
I was keeping charts and graphs and tracking everything I did. I was driving myself crazy writing schedules, setting alarms and calculating my pace/distance for every swim/bike/run. I was completely overwhelmed by all the facebook updates and blog posts in my google reader that were all about running, working out and etc. I was putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself and feeling negative about myself. All because I felt like I had to fit into some standard. (I feel like a five year old even admitting all this.) At times lately, it has all felt very competitive; I notice gatherings with my teammates where the only conversations we have are about working out and who is doing what and how much of it they are doing. Honestly, it makes my head spin. And instead of being motivated to change, I shut down and allowed it all to push me into a hole that kept me from having a desire to do anything at all.
Running is not my life. Neither is swimming. And well, I think we all know biking isn’t either. There are so many more aspects to my life than working out and keeping track of my miles. But I was pressuring myself to “keep up with the Jones’s” for a while and was concentrating to the point of exhaustion on things that honestly don’t matter to me. But I wanted them to matter to me so I kept doing them. I wanted them to matter because I thought it put me in the same ranks as everyone else. A “real” athlete. If I woke up and didn’t want to work out, I felt like something was wrong with me. And the truth is, more days than not I woke up not wanting to work out. The more days in a row this happened, the less I felt about who I was as an athlete. And not only was I frustrated but I was confused as to why I even felt that way.
But I know why- I felt that way because I thought I was letting myself and others down if I wasn’t “taking it serious enough” and that if I didn’t take it serious, people wouldn’t take me as a person seriously. Got all that? Anyway, the good news is, I snapped myself out of it, got real with myself and decided that I don’t have to be so serious. And people who like and respect me will like and respect me even if I am not caculating my miles vs. distance every step of the way. They will like me even if I don’t care that I missed a workout. But most importantly, I will like myself again. Because I will be having fun again. And for me, fun is what it is all about. And for the record, I am totally most definitely without a doubt an athlete!
At the end of it all I was able to come up with some goals.
Goals for 2011:
- Run for time, not distance; stop focusing so much on mileage. It’ll be easier now with a Garmin to keep track of my miles without having to map out runs and etc, but some days I just want to run. Run without caring about the exact distance. At the end of the day, the miles I run in a week, month, year…that is not who I am. I am not the miles I run, I am a runner simply because I run.
- There will be no more week in reviews. No more formula posts to keep up with or anything else that cause me to self-pressure over miles/hours/etc.
- No more “100 push-ups a week” challenges for me. Or anything of that nature.
- I will only host a give-a-way when I truly believe in the product. I will not make the give-a-way rules harder than and IQ tests and there will always be less steps than when you call your credit card company!
- I will eliminate all unrealistic goals. And I will push hard to achieve the realistic ones.
- Give myself a break. Or two. Or ten.
- Realize I don’t need to blog every day. Go back to quality over quantity. My faithful readers will be here whether I blog once a day or once a week.
- Keep my goals more private. Again, limiting the self-pressure.
- Continue to be an honest blogger. Remember that at its most basic foundation this blog was my journey. It is not always pretty, but it is always real!
- I will make it fun again. I want to channel the way I felt when I started this whole journey to my first tri…I felt fresh and new and it was fun. I want to go back to how good it felt to just want to go to the gym…get out and run or hop in the pool. I want to get back to a place where I knew what I was doing was making me a better person, not driving me insane. I want to get back to me.
I just thought I should start the year posting how I really felt. Being me. Honest little me.