Home » About Me » Life Is Hard- My Most Honest Post Ever

Life Is Hard- My Most Honest Post Ever

I always pride myself on having an honest blog.  I am who I am and try not to waver from that on this blog.  That is why, when things really just got too hard, I stopped blogging.  I couldn’t be honest, at least not completely.  Oh, and I was broken.  Literally, physically, emotionally and mentally.

So, if you are still here…if you are still reading…park it, because this is going to be a long post.  But when it is all over, I know I will feel better and I know I’ll be ready to blog again.  It has taken over a full year, but I am finally finding my way back to me.  A better me.  Which makes everything I went through, worth it.  I wouldn’t want to go through it again, ever, but I can at least take comfort in knowing I have come out on the other side and I am okay.  Better than okay.

So you know the basics if you were a reader in the past…broken foot, broken heart, crazy roommate, etc…etc…ETC!

But what you may not know is this…I was jealous.  And generally speaking, I am not a jealous person.  But I was raging with jealousy.  That is the dead ugly truth.  Every blog post I read was about someone running, getting engaged or married, having a baby, losing weight, finishing a race and generally loving life.  Every damn post was so damn happy.  And I was so damn sad.  Angry, sad and seriously jealous.  I wanted to be running, getting engaged, losing weight and loving life.  (Notice, I did not say I wanted a baby!!!)  I couldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t open my reader to all the happiness.  In some odd way, it only made me more sad and more angry.  Like everyone in the world was happy except for me.

Here was problem #1…I didn’t even know who “me” was anymore.  I was 30 years old and a lost little girl.  I had to give up a life I planned and find myself again.  I had to admit that I was the only one in a relationship working on said relationship.  I had to swallow the most bitter pill of all:  I loved someone who didn’t love me.  It is so easy when you are in a relationship to only see what you want to see.  To pretend the bad things aren’t there or that it will get better.  And damn, let me tell you…when it came to R2, I was wearing the rosiest of rose-colored glasses ever.  And I wish I could say that it all became clear to me after we broke up…but it didn’t.  And because of that, I spend the next 5 months or so holding onto something that wasn’t there.  Something that was never there.  The break-up, the break, the separation…everything was dramatic, difficult and painful.  And look, this is a not a public forum for me to bash him and I won’t do that.  But I will say this…it was not all sunshine and flowers and the damage my relationship with him did to me is going to take years to overcome.  I have been in therapy for months.  There was a time when I never would have admitted that publicly.  I didn’t think I “needed” help.  Well, turns out, this help was the best gift I could have given myself.  I have learned so much.  Of course these are lessons I wish I had learned before going through so much pain, but at least I have these lessons in my pocket now.  I’ll never be as blind as I once was.  With that said…as much as I blame him…I also blame myself.  No one forced me to put with it all.  No one forced me to keep going back when I knew I would only get hurt.  And trust me, forgiving him was much easier than forgiving myself.  Much.

Problem #2 was that my release for stress is to work out.  Broken foot=no working out.  I was stuck with my pain and had no way to deal with it.  And then, when I could run again, I just didn’t want to do it.  I was too far gone.  The hole was dug too deep.  And in the midst of all of this, I was moving out of my condo with my psycho roommate and looking for a place to live.  Thankfully, I was able to stay with my aunt until I found a house.  But I had to find a house.  It was all I could do to get out of bed.  I struggled to get through each day; work was actually comforting because at least I knew my mind would be busy.

Problem #3 was that even when good things happened, I couldn’t actually be happy.  I mean, I was happy, but I couldn’t celebrate it because everything was so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness and sadness.  Everything was a reminder that I was alone. It took everything I had in me to get ready for a night out.  I would be exhausted before I even arrived.  Even the biggest and best thing to happen to me, buying a house, served as a reminder that I was doing it alone.  I just couldn’t get out of the damn black hole.

Then something happened.

I started solving my problems.

I started letting go of the shit that made me sad, so that I could be happy.

First up, R2.  He had to go.  He was inhibiting my ability to be happy and I was letting him.  The process of letting go was not easy; even though he didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t let me go easily either.  (Let’s hear for making difficult situations more difficult!)  From the time I first walked away and tried to cut him off, until we finally stopped communicating on a regular basis was six months.  He still wanted to be friends.  My argument was that he wasn’t someone I wanted to be friends with or have in my life.  But I kept giving him chances to make it up to me, apologize…anything.  I wanted the time I had spent with him to be validated.  But it was just a sick cycle.  I would cut him off, he would fight me on it, we would fight, we would make up, and repeat.  And repeat.  EXHAUSTING!  Oh, and ridiculously unfair.  It wasn’t until a few months ago, that we were able to talk openly.  He finally apologized (sincerely) and I was able to really let him go.  Since then, no communication and none intended in the future either.

It is a funny thing when someone stops taking up so much space in your head.  I started having space again for other things.  I started remembering how much I loved to swim and run.   I ran the Philly Half-Marathon in November.  I barely trained and the race was brutal, but I did it.  And at some point, I knew I would run another race.  And another.  I started remembering how much I really loved be with my friends.  Taking road trips.  I appreciated my house and saw it from a completely different point of view…I was doing something on my own, that many people couldn’t do with two people.  Things in general just because more clean.  I am not always happy; this is a major work in progress.  Sometimes…ok, quite often, I still feel lonely.  But I am no longer feeling alone. And for the first time in a very long time, the good days are outweighing the bad days.

I have a job I love.  I have an amazing family.  My friends are awesome.  I own my own home.  I have four races planned for this year.

I am back.

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16 thoughts on “Life Is Hard- My Most Honest Post Ever

  1. So glad things are turning around for you…these periods of life can be dark and difficult to say the very least. A suggestion…have you thought of adding Nutella to your life to make it even more awesome. That stuff has got to be what crack is like. 🙂

  2. Welcome back, Jill! It sounds like you had a rough year. I hope you will continue to blog.
    It was so nice to finally meet you this summer. Maybe we can get together in the future too either at a race or otherwise.

  3. Glad to read you have let go of some, maybe pent up, issues and can see beyond them. Life is meant to be lived. I hope you can find enjoyment in just you and anyone else who is part of your life should simply add to your happiness not create it or destory it. Here’s to loving life again!

  4. So happy that figured out you had to let go of him… and that therapy helped so much! Good for you for taking care of you 🙂 And getting back to you 😉 🙂 🙂 I am happy to see you 🙂

    I am sure you have seen all those studies that say that our online personas sometimes show a much happier version of us than is true? I am guilty of being more happy online than in real life. But anyway, the studies say people feel jealous because of this false happiness… it’s all very interseting. I don’t want to be a nasty biznatch online, but I don’t want to be fake happy (I leave that for work, ha!).

  5. What doesn’t kill us….. 🙂 Glad you’re ‘back’ – in all the ways that matter most. Happy New Year!!!!! New chapter…my favorite time of the year. I remember LOTS of soul searching happening in my 30’s. Makes for awesome 40’s, I promise. 🙂 (though you’ve got a way to go….lol) Thnx for visiting the Turtles, too!

  6. Welcome back!!!

    Girl I get jealous too, but you can’t constantly be comparing yourself to others! Just not good for you. Glad you settled some things out though. No more green eyed monsters 🙂 you are living a pretty fantastic life yourself!! And you can always adopt that baby you said you wanted 😉 JK JK.

  7. Great to have you back Jillian and thanks for sharing. Sounds like the last year or so has been difficult for you. I can relate and see many parallels myself, which is a big reason why I stopped blogging/writing also. That jealousy & anger can cloud everything, speaking for experience.

    Very happy to see you are getting back to you. Keep blogging!

  8. I’m glad I never deleted you from my reader and was happily surprised to see a new post of you. Welcome back Jillian!

    It seems you had a rough year but am glad to hear you are feeling so much better. I hope 2013 will be a fantastic year for you and that you will share all your amazing adventures with us.

  9. I’m also glad to see you back!! Welcome back!! It sounds like you are taking it as well as you can and growing from the past year and that is what really matters! I wish a much more peaceful and content year in 2013!!

  10. It was good to see your comment on my blog – I have missed you dearly! I followed a bit of your life on FB, but admittedly don’t get on there that often.

    I fully “get” where you’re coming from on reading blogs full of sunshine and happiness. Remember, I had a foot injury from hell for 2 years! But it also make me want it that much more, too, and though I missed so much, I was eager to fight to get it all back.

    I’m happy to hear the toxic relationship is over. Again, know how painful it was but I think you’ll learn from that and grow into a much stronger woman who values herself too much to put up with too much bullshit in the future. There are good guys out there, and I know you’ll find one that clicks. Patience isn’t always on our side, but you’re a strong and beautiful woman with a huge golden heart – it will happen!!

    xo

  11. Such a great post, congrats on working through this. You are right, life is hard 🙂
    And — just because there is happiness on the blog, doesn’t meant there’s all sunshine and roses behind it. I, for one, fail to post a lot of crappy things. No worries 🙂

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