Jillian Loves

Hello to anyone who still has me on their blog roll ūüôā

Back in December 2011, I wrote this post.

It really should have ended there. ¬†It was the right time. ¬†But like many things in my life at that time, I couldn’t let it go. ¬†So I kept trying. ¬†Kept trying to write when I felt like I had nothing to write about, kept trying to make something happen when I knew all along what I really needed was a good long break. ¬†And a fresh start. ¬†So I took time off (real time) from everything. ¬†I stopped doing things that made me sad, dropped the negative people in my life and got my shit together. ¬†It took a while. ¬†A long while. ¬†But I did it. ¬†Finally.

I started really thinking about writing again last year but I still didn’t know how to transition this blog. ¬†I had decided in early 2013 that I wasn’t going to race that year and now I work out just to work out. ¬†This blog is primarily about running, racing, triathlon, training and things that are a part who I was then, but not now. ¬†Finishing is Winning means so much to me. ¬†The people I met and the experiences I wrote about that I get to relive each time I read about them…I love that. I love this blog. ¬†But this blog really does need be left where it belongs. ¬†In the past. ¬†With who I was. ¬†I carry that girl with me, but I am so changed.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to write again. ¬†I missed writing and blogging so much. ¬†I like the community of bloggers but truthfully, even if not one person read, I would still write. (But i want you to read!) I just love writing and I feel better when I do it. ¬†So I decided I would write like I work out. ¬†I would write when I wanted to write, about whatever I wanted to write about. ¬†My blog does not have to define me and I do not need to be defined by my blog.

The time for a fresh start is now.

That fresh start can be found here…Jillian Loves¬†‚̧

Hope to see you there!

It’s Official, My Legs Hate Me

Sometimes, as much as the outcome sucks, it is good to know a decision was made based on correct intuition.¬† When I pulled out of Rutgers, it was not a difficult decision.¬† I just knew something wasn’t right.¬† Remember when I said a gut feeling is not just a euphemism?¬† This is a perfect example.¬† I knew what I was feeling wasn’t in my head.¬† Although, I wish it had been.

Turns out, what I was feeling at Rutgers, was not in my head.  I saw the doctor on Thursday when the pain was only getting worse in my foot/ankle.  I was terrified of a stress fracture. 

The goods news is, nothing is broken in my foot!  And seriously, that is some great news!

The bad news is I have a pretty significant case of Peroneal Tendonitis. 

Peroneal Tendonitis refers to painful inflammation of the peroneal tendons located on the outer side of the foot, a little behind the ankle bump. 

There are two peroneal muscles on the outer side of the lower leg. One long one, called the peroneal longus runs from the knee to the ankle, and one short one, called the peroneal brevis muscle runs from below the knee to the ankle. Both these muscles when they approach the ankle, convert into tendons, which are thick bands of fibers that connect muscle to bone. Both these tendons run side-by-side and curve behind the outer bump of the ankle, then run below the foot where they insert into the bones of the foot.

As the muscle contracts, these tendons pull the lower surfaces of these bones, pulling/bending the foot downward (plantarflexion) and outward (eversion).

Once we had a diagnosis, it was time to treat.¬† Out of waitressing for 10 days and lots of RICE method.¬† Additionally in an effort to keep my leg stabilized and because “I can’t be trusted to stay off my feet,” I was also put in the CAM walker for the weekend.¬† Thank God that was only for a few days.¬† If I never have to see that boot again, it will be too soon.

And I’ll be rocking this again for a weeks to keep my ankle stable:

2013-04-29_08-34-02_385I know, I know…desperate for a pedicure!

I was also supposed to do this weird thing…I think normal people call it relaxing?¬† Yeah, I am not so good at that but didn’t have a choice.¬† I spent Thursday night, Friday night and all day Saturday on my couch with my foot up and ice on and off.¬† Sunday, I mowed the lawn in my boot- that was a new experience…!¬†¬† Other than a few errands, my friends housewarming Saturday night and mowing the lawn Sunday, my weekend mostly looked like this:

 wine2Relaxing is better with wine.

As much as relaxing isn’t my thing, I’ll admit it was a nice break.¬† I run on empty most of the time, so to be able to have a reason to do nothing was a good and much needed chance of pace.¬† It is hard to stay off my feet at my day job as well but I am trying.¬† And since I am not working¬† nights this week, and I cannot afford to do anything because I am not working night this week, the above is pretty much my game plan for the rest of the week.¬† For now, running is completely out of the question and I have to wait until I am pain free to get back to ballet/barre but I am hoping next weekend to get a work out in, even if it is just slow on the elliptical and some lifting.¬† I’ll take anything!

It may seem as though my spirits are up; that is mostly due to the fact that I am so happy I don’t have a fracture.¬† But the truth is, I am really bummed out.¬† I did everything right training for Rutgers.¬† I felt so ready.¬† And for things to just fall apart and me to be back off running is a huge blow.¬† I am frustrated.¬† Actually, I am beyond frustrated.¬† I feel like I am always injured.¬† While it seems everyone I know is getting better and faster, I am regressing.¬† My running has never been the same since I broke my foot and I am worried that it never will be.¬† The other day a friend of mine said she really felt like a runner now that she was fast.¬† I said she was always a runner because if you run you are a runner.¬† She replied that before she felt like an imposter.¬† I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.¬† Is she saying that slow runners are imposters?¬† Am I one?¬† I mean, I don’t think so…but when I am struggling, this is the exact thing that gets in my head.¬† The exact thing that makes me just want to throw in the towel.¬† I don’t even know if that is what she meant or if I am just hyper sensitive because I am feeling so low.¬† I have been fighting injuries for so long…I am not getting any better.¬† How long do I keep doing this to myself?¬† I don’t know.¬† I have to see how this PT goes and in the meantime, I’ll be sticking with barre and ballet and lifting and trying to get strong.¬†¬† Both physically and mentally.

In other news, to end on a good note…this came in the mail over the weekend:

bosontshirtBest mail I have gotten in a while!

500 posts!

This is my 500th post!

Before I started blogging again, I took a look back at my posts for motivation and to remember why I loved it so much in the first place.  Some made me smile and a few made me sad.  Some are much deeper than others.  A few were really hard to write.   Some just make me laugh.  My favorite ones are the ones that created a forum for conversation and opened others up to tell their own stories.  I also love re-reading my race reports!  While many of my posts are just about my day to day training or about what is going on in my life, I hope I have in some way inspired you as my reader.  I started this blog as a way to journal, but soon found such a great world out there full of amazing people.  Before I started my own blog, I read  A LOT of blogs.  I knew I wanted THIS blog to be honest, relevant, personal and helpful.  I think I have achieved that thus far.  This blog is exactly how it should be.

In honor of my 500th post, I completed ‘100 MORE things about Onelittletrigirl‘, finally added an ‘About Me‘ page.¬† I figured it was about time!

Whether you have been there from day 1, day 10, day 100 or only started reading this week- thank you!

Runner Survey

I wanted to write more about Boston.¬† To tell about my sadness.¬† But it is hard to write when you cannot process.¬† Right now, I am just not processing.¬† It’ll take time.¬† This is all very personal to me, as it is to many of you.¬† What I know is this…nothing can take away my love for running or for Boston.¬† Next weekend, when I hit the pavement for my first half-marathon of the year, I’ll definitely have the Boston runners in my heart.¬† For now though, I’ll share my favorite of the photos that have been popping up:

Also, yesterday I represented by wearing this to work:

As I said when I posted on my page- bad at selfies; sorry, not sorry!

So. Instead of a heart heavy post, you get this.¬† Stolen from Jamoosh.¬† Who stole is from someone who stole it from someone and it’s all linked here.¬† You want in?¬† Take it, but then link it ūüôā

Best Run Ever-

All my best runs are the ones I have downtheshore.  Wildwood is my favorite place and running is my favorite thing.

beachrunDuring the WW Tri

Three Words That Describe My Running-

Slow.  Steady.  Spirited.

My Go-To Running Outfit

Running skirt by C9 with tank top or short sleeves.  I wear it a lot.  I just bought a new one because this one is so worn out.

skirt5skirt3skirt2skirt`skirtThere’s more, but I’ll spare you!

I Won‚Äôt Run Outside When It‚Äôs…

Dark.  I am a kidnapping waiting to happen.

Worst Injury ‚Äď And How I Got Over It

Broken foot. Physically, I got over it just by letting it heal and working my way back a little at a time.  Mentally, still not sure if I am over it.  I have spent a lot of time injured.

footFrom a different injury but I lived in this thing for FAR too long.

I Felt Most Like a Badass Runner When…

I ran the last miles of the marathon on a broken foot.  With a smile.

15Yup- running and smiling despite the broken foot!  Adrenaline can do anything!

Potential Running Goal for 2013

Stay uninjured.  If I get a PR, that is just the cherry on top.

My Next Race Is…

Sunday.  Rutgers 13.1

rutgers

Checking In- It’s Almost Spring!

I know February is the shortest month, but to me, it always feels so long!  Sometimes I think I suffer from seasonal affective disorder.  By the end of February, I am just at my wits end with the cold and the dark.  I need more sun!  I did just notice this week that is has been light out by the time I get to work (6am) and it is still light out when I get home (4pm) which has been a huge boost.  Even the smallest amount of natural Vitamin D makes me happy!

Running- I finally ran outside this past weekend ūüôā¬† It was amazing.¬† Even if it was cold and windy, it was still awesome.¬† I am so tired of the dreadmill!¬† I plan to run outside this weekend as well, although the weather is going to be a bit colder.¬† I am pretty excited that I have less than two months until my first half of the year.¬† More excited that I am going to be super prepared for running than I was this past November!

Ballet/Barre– Last night was the first class I missed since starting.¬† My legs were a little sore from my Sunday run, mostly from the terrain change I think, and I just didn’t want to push it.¬† Barre class continues to kick my ass in the best possible way.¬† I really think this is my favorite work out.¬† I am so excited to be able to go extra over spring break!

Nutrition- I have done really well.¬† I am very happy with how my nutrition is going.¬† The pounds aren’t dropping but the inches are and best of all, I feel better!

Sleep- My goal over spring break is to get 8-9 hours of sleep each night.

 

Other life events-

-I am on Spring Break from March 2-17.  Wooohooo!  I swear Spring Break is for adults.  It is so needed.  Ours is quite long because we have international students.  They travel home to 17 different countries and 6 different continents!  Having a full two weeks gives them real quality time to visit with their families.  Even though I will waitress during this time, and pick up extra shifts, it is still a chance to sleep in.  And for that, I am so grateful!

-In three week, at this very time, I will be landing in Mexico ūüôā¬† One of my very best friends is getting married and having a simple ceremony on the beaches of the Riviera Maya!¬† Of course, this comes on the heels of my Spring Break, so I wasn’t able to take the full five nights.¬† This will be a whirlwind trip of only three nights. Nonetheless,¬† I am excited for the tropical weather and time with some of my good friends!

I’ll end with this, which I just absolutely loved:

beautifulrunner

Checking In & Staying Accountable

When I first started this blog (broken record- how many times have I started a post with this sentence?!?!) I did it as a record of my training and progress as I dove into the world of running and triathlon.¬† I have spent much of the last few months re-reading my old blog entries.¬† Mostly because I wanted to remember how awesome it was when I was blogging but also because I knew it would motivate me back into my training.¬† It was really fun to re-read all my race posts; it was especially great to see how far I have come over the years.¬† It definitely did the job of motivating me.¬† But you know what wasn’t fun- seeing how statistical I had become.¬† Holy shit, I kept track of ever step I took!¬† Or at least it seemed!¬† I did weekly reviews, months reviews, broke down my mileage for swimming AND biking AND running.¬† I really feel it is important to keep a training schedule and I still think it is important to keep track of my miles, but I also think I took it to a level of crazy before.¬† In planning how I was going to approach this year, I knew staying healthy and uninjured were at the top of the list.¬† That meant following a good nutrition plan, not pushing too hard and following the 10% rule like it is my job.¬† Obviously, this means I have to keep track of things as I go along.¬† But more than that, I need to stay accountable.¬† Which brings me back to the exact reason I started this blog.¬† As a record of my training and progress.¬† I don’t need to do specific re-caps.¬† But I do need to stay accountable with at least a monthly post of where I have been and where I am going.

So where was I in January?

Running- I ran consistently two times a week building a base throughout the beginning of the month.¬† Towards the end, I threw in a third min-run as I began to get into my half-marathon training schedule.¬† Right now, my “long” runs are still short and I am working on speed and consistency.¬† As the mileage builds, I will focus more on endurance.¬† My runs thus far have been good for the most part and I am pretty excited to see where this training cycle takes me.

Ballet– I am loving these classes.¬† I take one ballet class and week and one Barre class a week.¬† When I get¬† rare Monday or Friday night in, I do an extra one.¬† Ideally, I would be doing two of each a week, but unfortunately a schedule like mine isn’t very accommodating.¬† I am looking forward to Spring Break when I can pick up some more classes.¬† If you are looking for a new way to strength train or just a new activity, I high recommend a Barre class.¬† I cannot believe how much my body has changed in just six weeks.¬† My weight hasn’t dropped all that dramatically, but I see and feel such a difference!

Nutrition-¬† I have been using My Fitness Pal to track what I eat.¬† Accountability matters most here.¬† I don’t put the cookie in my mouth because I know I have to write it down.¬† I don’t have the second glass of wine (or even the first lately) because I don’t want to use my calories for it.¬† I am eating so much smarter this year because I know I have to own it every single day.¬† This isn’t new information; it is a n0-brainer being accountable for what we eat will result in eating better.¬† With that said, I am always amazed at how much I change when I practice this on a daily basis.

Sleep- I am pretty sure that as long as I work two jobs and have to get up at 5am for the first one, I will never get enough sleep. Maybe I can catch up on Spring Break?!?!?

Resolutions-¬†I am trying.¬† In January I finally set up my guest bedroom so that was a huge check off my list.¬† I haven’t read a single book but I did pay off more debt.¬† I also continued my promise of only paying cash for everything.¬† If I don’t have it, I need to either pick up another waitressing shift, or not have it until I can better afford it.¬† The only purchases I put on my credit cards are online purchases.¬† The only other way I will use my credit card are for big purchases (new appliances coming soon and hopefully new living room set) and real emergencies.

Other life events-

-As you already know if you read my blog, my friend Jessica lost her battle with CF two weeks ago.  Sadly, last week, only a week after Jessica passed away, my friend Will lost his battle with lung cancer.  It has been an emotionally tough month for me, but I have been blessed overall and that is what I am focusing on right now.

-I am really excited that the Raven’s won the Superbowl.¬† Joe Flacco grew up a few towns over, went to school with my cousin and is married to a friend of our family.¬† I don’t follow Pro sports all that much (I love college sports) but I do cheer for the Ravens, so that was an exciting game ūüôā

Do you track what you eat?  How much you exercise?

What do you focus on when you are going through a tough time?

Quick Pop Quiz

The truth is, I am in the mood to blog but my thoughts are such a mess.  Between Jessica passing away a week ago and my friend Will being so sick, I am just so over-emotional.  I took off today because I am having furniture delivered and I am looking very forward to a long afternoon workout.

 

For now, this.  Which I stole from Andrea.

 

1. FUEL: Shot Bloks, GU, Energy Chews, Candy or Other?

The only fuel I use during runs is GU.¬† And it has to be TriBerry.¬† Nothing else has worked as well or as consistently.¬† For tri’s I use Bloks in transition, but still GU on the run.


2. Race Length: 5k, 10k, 1/2 Marathon, Marathon, Ultra or Other?

My favorite distance is 10 miles and I do not think there are near enough 10 mile races.¬† The only one close to me is the Broad Street Run which I haven’t ran since 2009.¬† The race has gotten so out of control, I cannot stand the thought of running it.¬† This year, they capped it at 40,000 people.¬† No thank you.

3. Workout Bottoms: Skirts, Running Shorts, Capris, Pants or Other?

Depends on the weather, but I HATE running in pants.¬† I train in shorts but love racing in skirts.¬† So I guess skirts are my favorite ūüôā

4. Sports Drink: Gatorade, Powerade, Cytomax, you stick to water when you run or Other?

During a race, I might use Gatorade, but I mostly depend on water.  Post-run, I love chocolate milk!


5. Running Temperatures: HEAT or COLD?

I run much better in the cold.  So, as much as I hate it, I definitely have to say cold.


6. Running Shoe Brands: Saucony, Mizuno, Nike, Brooks, Asics or Other?
I ran in Brooks Adrenalines for 5 years.¬†¬† Honestly, I never imagined I would run my marathon in anything but Brooks, but when the 11’s came out, I didn’t like them.¬† Switched to Saucony and haven’t looked back.
 
7. Pre-race meal: Oatmeal, Bagel, Banana, Eggs, Cereal or Other?
English muffin with PB.  Always.  And sometimes a banana too.

8. Rest Days: 1x per week, 2x per week, never ever ever or other? 

Generally speaking, Saturday is my only real rest day.  My full-time job is Monday through Friday.  I workout two-three nights a week and on Sundays.  I also waitress two-three nights a week and sometimes on Sunday.  The only day I never waitress is Saturday and I try not to work out that day either.   And anyone who thinks waitressing is not exercise, has never done it.  On average, I walk 4-6 miles a shift.  Not necessarily a work-out but definitely not a rest day!

 

9. Music: Have to have it or go without it? 

On the treadmill, definitely.  Running alone, never.  Racing, sometimes.

 

10. #1 reason for running: stress-relief, endorphins, you love to race, so you can eat all the cupcakes you want, weight-loss, love running for social reasons or other?

I love what running has brought into my life.  The fitness, the confidence, the people and the ability to do things I never imagined.  I have never regretted a single workout.  I have never regretted this journey.

2013 Resolutions

I don’t really like the idea of a resolution.¬† To me, we should be resolute about changing our lives whenever the need arises.¬† If I waited until January 1st every time I wanted to make a change, I have a feeling life would be very different.¬† So while I am calling these “resolutions” they are really things I have been working on or want to start working on this year.¬† They are more lifestyle changes, than simply goals I will achieve.

But in the spirit of the new year and tradition…I give you, my resolutions:

Read more.¬†I love to read. Growing up, I was the only kid without a TV in my room.¬† My mom wanted to instill a love of reading in me and knew I would replace reading with watching TV.¬† And she was right, because when I did get a TV, my reading time went down.¬† In school, I studied English, so I was ALWAYS reading.¬† As an adult, I still love reading…books, magazines, newspapers, articles…anything.¬† I love learning so I tend to read autobiographies, biographies and historical books but I also love a good Jodi Picoult book.¬† My favorites of all time?¬† Go Ask Alice, Perks of Being a Wallflower (and I refuse to see the movie), My Sisters Keeper (movie not even close to as good), Nineteen Minutes and¬† Yes, I have a lot of favorites!

Complete one house project a month.  I still think houses should come with a landlord!  Keeping up with a three bedroom house alone can be daunting.  And I bought a fixer-upper.  Still lotsa fixin to do!  If I do one thing a month, even small, I will feel accomplished.  This month, I would like to take down my Christmas decorations.  Yes, they are still up and yes, it is a project!

Keep blogging. I didn’t realize how much I missed blogging because I wasn’t able to see how much I actually missed life in general.¬† Getting back to blogging (both reading and writing) has been great.¬† I remember now why I started this blog in the first place: to keep a journal of my progress and my journey.¬† The friends I have met along the way are a great bonus.¬† But truthfully, if no one ever read this again, I would still keep writing.

Pay it forward more.¬† It is as simple as leaving a note for someone.¬† Paying for a coffee for the guy behind you.¬† Just something that says, “not everyone in this world sucks” because sometimes it is hard to remember that there is so, so, much good behind all the bad we hear about and read about on a daily basis.¬†

Compliment 3 people a day. I love when I get a random compliment.  I have a feeling everyone does.

Live and let live.¬† I am not too proud to admit, this will not be easy for me.¬† I lose patience way too fast, not stopping to think about what might be going on in someone’s life before I get annoyed with them.¬† Examples: slow drivers, waiting in lines and screaming kids in stores/restaurants.¬† Recently, this guy came to speak at our school.¬† His message was simple and clear.¬† And I am trying every day to just live and let live.

Let go of past failures.   Likely, this will be hardest for me.  But I am working on it.

Take care of myself. ¬† I gave up a lot when I was with R2.¬† I constantly felt bad for how much my training and second job took away from us time wise, that I didn’t do other things I would have liked because I would have felt even worse.¬† For so long, I did not put myself first.¬† And I still don’t at times.¬† I still have trouble saying no or carving out time for the things I need/want.¬† I need to think more about my mental and emotional health when making decisions.

Appreciate every day.  I used to write three things I was grateful for each week.  Now, I am writing down three things I am grateful for every day.  It is not always easy to come up with three things, but I am learning a greater appreciation for even the smallest things. 

Pay off my credit card debt.¬† This one is HUGE.¬† But totally doable as long as I keep picking up extra shifts waitressing and stick to my budget.¬† I have been in cc debt for 6 years and it doesn’t feel good.¬† And by general standards, I am actually considered to be in really good shape.¬† However, I hate having to spend so much money every month paying things off.¬† For the last six months (with exception of a few internet purchases) everything has been paid for with cash.¬† I am really proud of that and cannot wait until I have extra money every month to add to my mortgage principle instead of sending to credit card companies!¬†

What were some of your resolutions?

Life Is Hard- My Most Honest Post Ever

I always pride myself on having an honest blog.¬† I am who I am and try not to waver from that on this blog.¬† That is why, when things really just got too hard, I stopped blogging.¬† I couldn’t be honest, at least not completely.¬† Oh, and I was broken.¬† Literally, physically, emotionally and mentally.

So, if you are still here…if you are still reading…park it, because this is going to be a long post.¬† But when it is all over, I know I will feel better and I know I’ll be ready to blog again.¬† It has taken¬†over a¬†full year, but I am finally finding my way back to me.¬† A better me.¬† Which makes everything I went through, worth it.¬† I wouldn’t want to go through it again, ever, but I can at least take comfort in knowing I have come out on the other side and I am okay.¬† Better than okay.

So you know the basics if you were a reader in the past…broken foot, broken heart, crazy roommate, etc…etc…ETC!

But what you may not know is this…I was jealous.¬† And generally speaking, I am not a jealous person.¬† But I was raging with jealousy. ¬†That is the dead ugly truth.¬† Every blog post I read was about someone running, getting engaged or married, having a baby, losing weight,¬†finishing a race and generally loving life.¬† Every damn post was so damn happy.¬† And I was so damn sad.¬† Angry, sad and seriously jealous.¬† I wanted to be running, getting engaged, losing weight and loving life.¬† (Notice, I did not say I wanted a baby!!!)¬† I couldn’t do it anymore.¬† I couldn’t open my reader to all the happiness.¬† In some odd way, it only made me more sad and more angry.¬† Like everyone in the world was happy except for me.

Here was problem #1…I didn’t even know who “me” was anymore.¬† I was 30 years old and a lost little girl.¬† I had to give up a life I planned and find myself again.¬† I had to admit that I was the only one in¬†a relationship working on said relationship.¬† I had to swallow the most bitter pill of all:¬† I loved someone who¬†didn’t love me.¬† It is so easy when you are in a relationship to only see what you want to see.¬† To pretend the bad things aren’t there or that it will get better.¬† And damn, let me tell you…when it came to R2, I was wearing the rosiest of rose-colored¬†glasses ever.¬† And I wish I could say that it all became clear to me after we broke up…but it didn’t.¬† And because of that, I spend the next 5 months or so holding onto something that wasn’t there.¬† Something that was never there.¬† The break-up, the break, the separation…everything was dramatic, difficult and painful.¬† And look, this is a not a public forum for me to bash him and I won’t do that.¬† But I will say this…it was not all sunshine and flowers and the damage my relationship with him did to me is going to take years to overcome.¬† I have been in therapy for months.¬† There was a time when I never would have admitted that publicly.¬† I didn’t think I¬†“needed” help.¬† Well, turns out, this help was the best gift I could have given myself.¬† I have learned so much.¬† Of course these are lessons I wish I had learned before going through so much pain, but at least I have these lessons in my pocket now.¬† I’ll never be as blind as I once was.¬† With that said…as much as I blame him…I also blame myself.¬† No one forced me to put¬†with it all.¬† No one forced me to keep going back when I knew I would only get hurt.¬† And trust me, forgiving him was much easier than forgiving myself.¬† Much.

Problem #2 was that my release for stress is to work out.¬† Broken foot=no working out.¬† I was stuck with my pain and had no way to deal with it.¬† And then, when I could run again, I just didn’t want to do it.¬† I was too far gone.¬† The hole¬†was dug too deep.¬† And in the midst of all of this, I was moving out of my condo with my psycho roommate and looking for a place to live.¬† Thankfully, I was able to stay with my aunt until I found a house.¬† But I had to find a house.¬† It was all I could do to get out of bed.¬† I struggled to get through each day; work was actually comforting because at least I knew my mind would be busy.

Problem #3 was that even when good things happened, I couldn’t actually be happy.¬† I mean, I was happy, but I couldn’t celebrate it because everything was so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness and sadness.¬† Everything was a reminder that I was alone.¬†It took everything I had in me to get ready for a night out.¬† I would be exhausted before I even arrived. ¬†Even the biggest and best thing to happen to me, buying a house, served as a reminder that I was doing it alone.¬† I just couldn’t get out of the damn black hole.

Then something happened.

I started solving my problems.

I started letting go of the shit that made me sad, so that I could be happy.

First up, R2.¬† He had to go.¬† He was inhibiting my ability to be happy and I was letting him.¬† The process of letting go was not easy; even though he didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t let me go easily either.¬† (Let’s hear for making difficult situations more difficult!)¬† From the time I first walked away and tried to cut him off, until we finally stopped communicating on a regular basis was six months.¬† He still wanted to be friends.¬† My argument¬†was that he wasn’t someone I wanted to be friends with or have in my life.¬† But I kept giving him chances to make it up to me, apologize…anything.¬† I wanted the time I had spent with him to be validated.¬† But it was just a sick cycle.¬† I would cut him off, he would fight me on it, we would fight, we would make up, and repeat.¬† And repeat.¬† EXHAUSTING!¬† Oh, and ridiculously unfair.¬† It wasn’t until a few months ago, that we were able to talk openly.¬† He finally apologized (sincerely)¬†and I was able to really let him go.¬† Since then, no communication and none intended in the future either.

It is a funny thing when someone stops taking up so much space in your head.¬† I started having space again for other things.¬† I started remembering how much I loved to swim and run.¬† ¬†I ran the Philly Half-Marathon in November.¬† I barely trained and the race was¬†brutal, but I did it.¬† And¬†at some point, I knew I would run another race.¬† And¬†another.¬†¬†I started remembering how much I really loved¬†be with my friends.¬† Taking road trips.¬† I appreciated my house and saw it from a completely different point of view…I was doing something on my own, that many people couldn’t do with two people.¬† Things in general just because more clean.¬† I am not always happy; this is a major work in progress.¬† Sometimes…ok, quite often, I still feel lonely.¬† But I am no longer feeling alone. And for the first time in a very long time, the good days are outweighing the bad days.

I have a job I love.  I have an amazing family.  My friends are awesome.  I own my own home.  I have four races planned for this year.

I am back.

Updates…

I haven often said I had many reasons for taking a blog break.¬† The truth is, with so much going on, I just couldn’t write.¬† I really didn’t have anything good to talk about and I was feeling so down.¬† It has been a rough couple of months-¬†BUT- I am finally feeling on the upswing and ready to dive back into life!¬† Here are some updates to clue you in and give you an idea of why things were so tough!

Foot- my foot is actually finally (FINALLY!) starting to feel better!¬† This has taken way longer than I would have liked and even though I still don’t think/feel 100%, I am happy to report that it does feel good after a long walk or short run.¬† I have been running with my softball girls and on my own a few miles a week.¬† It’s been hard starting over and I am frustrated much of the time.¬† People told me I would bounce right back and I expected too, but I didn’t.¬† This is honestly like starting over from day one again.¬† I don’t love running right now, but I remember how much better my life was when I did, so I am hoping to get back to that real soon.

Work- my job is still awesome.  It is the one thing I could count on when everything else was falling apart.  It really is hard to be in a bad mood when I work at a place so beautiful.  The job comes with the same stresses as many jobs, but there is also so much good to even some of those stresses out.  Additionally, I have been coaching softball and even though it makes for long days, I absolutely love it.  The girls have come so far since the first practice and we have a 5-2 record so far!  That is really exciting given that I have 5 girls who never played before and because of injuries I only have 11 girls on my team.  They have really stepped up to the plate (no pun intended) and have made me really proud!

Right now, on top of the day to day work and softball, it is insanely busy with end of the year stuff.  But at least my days fly by.  Tonight is the 8th grade dance and in the month of May we also have the overnight 8th grade trip, a field day and a community service day.  We are about 5 weeks from graduation.  I love these kids but I am definitely ready for summer!

House Hunting-¬†I moved.¬† Again.¬† My roommate was CRAZY with a capital C and I couldn’t take it anymore.¬† Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like when people leave their shit in the toilet, leave¬†food stuck on pots/plates in the kitchen sink¬†and don’t take the trash out for 4 weeks.¬† I am also not a fan of her naked boyfriend running around my living room.¬† Gross disrespectful pig.¬† Yes, I just publically blasted her.¬† And I am being nice.

Anyway, I am now house hunting and although the prospect of buying is super scary, this is also a very exciting time.¬† I have been looking for a little over a month.¬† I have found some places I love and some that I don’t so much love, haha, but it really has been fun.¬† My goal is be a homeowner by the fall so fingers crossed!

R2– in the¬†weeks that followed my marathon, as I¬† tried to come to terms with a broken foot, I was hit with a huge blow.¬† R2¬†broke up with me.¬† It was devastating to say the least.¬† And I had no outlet.¬† I felt like my training contributed to some of the problems…but I really had no idea he would just up and call it quits either.¬† Especially since my race was over and life was going to get a lot calmer.¬† R2¬†gave up a lot for my training-¬† my training didn’t affect just me.¬† He gave up late nights, opportunities for group dates and other things as well.¬† He stood by me through all the training…he was with me every step of the way.¬† If you could have seen his face when he saw me during the race.¬† He was so proud.¬† I just couldn’t see how it all could end.¬† Or why.¬† All I wanted to do was disappear from¬†the world- swim some laps, run the roads for miles…and I couldn’t.¬† I had a broken foot and a broken heart.

You may be wondering what happened.¬† I would tell you, but I am still wondering what happened.¬† One of the hardest things about the break-up, was that nothing actually happened.¬† At the end of the day, I can only be the best person I know how to be and if someone doesn’t want to be with me, there is nothing I could/can do about that.¬† Nothing.¬† And despite the fact that we tried to maintain the friendship, I¬†was still finding myself often wondering what happened and looking for closure.¬† I came to realize¬†that it is a closure I will never get.¬† I have to find it myself.¬† And I can’t be friends with him in the process.¬† R2 is a good guy, and you won’t find me trashing him here…but for right now, the best place for him to be is out of my life.

Training- you could hardly call what I am doing training.¬† Seriously. It’s rather pathetic.¬† But, I do have a half marathon in August and since I am basically starting over with my running, it is time to get back on a training plan.¬† What I want most is to get toned again.¬† I really liked the way I looked last year and between my foot, the break-up, the move and other variables, I really just let myself go.¬† It is due time to get back on track with my eating, my training and my life!