I need to vent.
Exercise is my outlet and I barely have that right now and it is making me IN-SANE! I have been trying to stay positive but it has been six weeks and I am starting to melt down. There is so much going on in my life, that to have to be so held back in my activity is making me crazy. Two weeks ago, I cried because I broke two nails and twice this week I cried without even anything actually happening. For those of you who do not know me…I am not a crier. And I certainly DO NOT cry over broken nails. But I did. I am losing it.
Most of what is bothering me is the difference between where I was last year in comparison to where I am this year.
There are Three Things that stand out to me most as far as these differences go:
Then: I was in my sixth semester at RU (first semester as a dual student) taking both undergraduate and graduate courses and had just received notification that I was the recipient of the award from the Arts and Humanities department. This was a really big deal to me and showed me that my hard work was being noticed. I carry a 3.65 and I have been on the Dean’s List all but one semester since I started. I was finally gearing up to graduate in the Spring of 2010 and feeling excited.
Now: I found out last semester that I am three math credits short of graduating. The problem is, is that after four tries I am still unable to pass the required class that I need in order to graduate. I have always been in low math and it seems no matter how hard I try, I cannot pass. Because of that, I began taking steps to get tested for the learning disability, discalculia. Wow…what a road that turned out to be. A lot of meetings and information later, I walked away with pretty much all odds against me. The state took away the funding for the testing and the process is lengthy. A friend of mine, who has all the proper credentials, offered to test me but by that time I was just so drained from the process. Plus, there is always the possibility that they would determine I didn’t have a learning disability. And that I am just stupid. All of that combined with the stress of this year led me to take this semester off. I just didn’t have the energy to care. And that is so not me.
Then: For three seasons I was the softball coach for my middle school. I absolutely loved it. I looked forward to it all year and really connected with my girls. I got the job because they had an opening and no one was willing to do it for small pay. Look, I would have done it for free, which it basically was when you added up the hours and divided the pay. The following year, with new contracts came more pay. And interest in my job as the coach. But for two more years I held onto it; it was exhausting with practice or games every day and some nights lasting until 7pm or so. But I loved every second.
Now: Due to some political bullshit stuff I can’t really elaborate on, I was replaced. I was also crushed. I found out in the fall but now that the season has started, it is like I am crushed all over again. Basically, because I am “staff”, teachers have hierarchy over me and since there was a teacher that wanted the job, I got pushed out. It is so weird not to be a part of the program. I miss the girls and I miss the game.
Then: Last March I logged 31 miles running, 123 miles on the bike and 1000 meters in the pool. I had just begun my first half-marathon training schedule and was only casually training for Triathlon given that my first tri of the season last year wasn’t until July. I was making great progress, hitting the gym four to five days a week and in great shape.
Now: So far this month I have racked up 3.5 miles on the bike. I had to bag my March Half-Marathon and I will be bagging my April Half-Marathon as well. And my May 10-miler will be a walk, not a run. It is extra depressing because my April half and May 10-miler were the two road races I was most looking forward to this year. And even though I am back to slowly working out, I can tell I have lost a lot of my fitness. And I cannot stop eating; I feel like a human garbage disposal and I am for sure putting on the pounds. Notsomuch how I expected things to be at this point!
So basically overall, I went from having a really busy schedule to having almost nothing to do. I am bored. And I am sad. And I hate being bored and sad. I was hoping that my training would fill the void of softball but because I can barely train, all I have is time to think about all the things that don’t seem to be going right for me.
Hello-Pity Party, table of one.
Often people take venting as complaining and I want to be very clear here: I am grateful for my health, my job and my home. I am in no way trying to gain pity. Everyone has shit and this is mine. Holding it all in makes me negative and I don’t want to be a negative person. I have worked really hard to stay positive but now and then I need to vomit out my anger/frustration!